To BinBin darlinz~

BeeBee here.. i may not be able ta put stuff down well in words.. but if ya ppl wish ta take da effort ta actualli read diz slightly long thingy thing den go ahead.. =).. mostli da stuff written here are pretty erm.. difficult? ta sae to in person.. well at least for my part.. so wellz.. i hope datz MusLoOm/BinBin darlinz would undastand.. =/.. if some stuff here arent suppose ta be up here plz tell me so i can get rid of it or sumthin..


Expectations..?
wellz.. what's darlinz said bout having less xpectations so that u wont get as disappointed is definitely true.. we should all try ta be grateful with whatever we have now no matter how small or insignificant it is.. though human nature would probably not let this happen so easily.. ppl tend to have xpectations of a certain someone whom they love without actually knowing that they do.. and it is natural to do so.. but what if that certain someone fails to meet your xpectations.. it would probably disappoint u a whole lot cause u thought so and so would do this and that but in da end, he/she did this this that.. and he/she gets hurt and sad bout makin u disappointed and all.. and stuff gets ruined.. and all this for what..?

Nonetheless.. i know for sure that darlinz really loves and appreciates me.. from my point of view.. i probably never really had a chance to experience being single recently because da time span between my previous relationship and the current one was super short.. however.. i dont know of many a person who would actually slow down and just feel how it is to hold your loved one's hand and think about it.. darlinz showed me how that day.. he kept fiddling and looking at my hand while i held his.. and i felt kinda weird & uneasy at first cause i did not know what he was up to.. till he told me what he was thinking about.. he even asked me to kiss him on the cheek.. i did so but he told me to do it again but slower.. so i did it reeeeeeeeal sloooowwww the 2nd time.. and he felt it.. and he had this silly grin on his face throughout.. deep down inside my heart, something stirred.. i actually realised that i've just come across a person who appreciated me.. and i felt loved and very fortunate.. the only problem now is, how im going to reciprocate these feelings and show him that i love him too..


Calling Out Your Name..?
This issue thingy has been going on for quite some time.. but it doesnt happen all the time.. at least that's what i think.. anyway, it all started durin our fyp.. when me and darlinz just started out.. darlinz told me that he has never heard me call his name or actually address him in any way.. i'd just talk to him straight without calling his name or whatsoever.. and i admit that i did realise this before he told me bout it.. and i really cannot think of any reason or excuse for it.. is it cause im not used to it or dint have enough time ta re-adjust..? or is there just something wrong with me..? wellz.. im still kinda figuring this one out.. just yesterday, when this was brought up after some time.. he asked me.. if we went out together and he suddenly just walked away, what if i couldnt reach him physically, what would i do..? that was when i realised that i never thought much about it.. cause he's never walked away on his own before.. and i suppose that i took advantage of this fact.. and i thought to myself.. what in the world would i do..? give chase..? call out to him..? call him what..? darlinz..? quan bin..? andy..? qb..? seriously speaking.. i've said his name many a time.. whetha it is to myself, himself, frenz, parents, colleagues.. but never in public or something..? i cant believe im actually having trouble doing something like this..? how pathetic.. nonetheless.. im gonna solve this..


Understanding Each Other..?
How much can u say u understand him/her..? so what if u can name 1001 things that he/she likes or dislikes..? sure, that counts as understanding someone.. but what of his/her heart, thoughts, actions, feelings..? Have u noticed my msn nick..? though this might sound a little crappy..? it reads "I'd really like to see the world through your eyes.. Priceless Thoughts.. I'd like to have them all".. bein colour impaired might not affect u entirely in your daily life.. but it bothers me that i can sometimes forget that you cant see certain colours clearly.. and whenever i comment on something's colour.. i suddenli realise what i've just said and automatically try to grasp for some other kind of words.. though i dont exactly mean seeing what you see.. but it's more like wanting to understand what you see.. i dunno how u actually think or feel about this.. i'd be glad if u told me what i should or should not say or ask..

and when i say "Priceless Thoughts.. I'd like to have them all" i meant your thoughts.. yes they are priceless and u know my habit of asking u every now and then when u look like you're troubled/thinking, "Penny for your thought?".. and no, i dont think i might be able to "afford" your thoughts.. but i would really like to have them all.. good or bad ones.. it really hurts to know that u keep many things bottled up and that u just slp it all off.. and i do undastand u keep things so as not to trouble/worry me or not to cause any unnecessary problems.. like da saying "some things are better left unknown" or whatsoever.. but, how would i know what i've done or said wrong.. sometimes i also really dunno when to be serious and when to joke around you.. you can joke halfway and suddenly become serious.. and what i jokingly said, u would take seriously.. time and time again, i've told myself not to "joke" with u anymore and just say what i actually want to say.. so u wouldnt have to get upset or angry bout anythin unnecessary.. but it seems i aint tryin hard enough.. yes it is true what u told me bout my expressions.. maybe i dunno how to truely express myself, show that im kiddin or when im serious.. i dunno where my ability of displayin emotions have gone to but i dunno if i'd ever find it again.. no one has actually tried to "get it back" for me.. or actually try ta undastand my emotions for that matter.. though i do not doubt ur perseverance.. cause i've seen what u do.. but as u've said also, sometimes u will perservere but other a time u'd be in between not knowing what to do and giving up.. i really dont want to hurt u unintentionally or make u angry.. i never want to see the angry & violent side of u.. u said that u do not hit girls.. but i was thinking.. for EXAMPLE, if ever u had a reason to shower me with vulgarities.. i'd rather u hit me.. not that this would ever happen in reality but im just saying to let u know.. i'd give anything to understand you better.. and i mean it..


Future..?
Needless ta say, no one knows what'll happen in the future.. it aint such that i aint thinking very far ahead of da relationship.. and yeah perhaps i aint thinking as far as darlinz is.. cause.. firstly, i've never really thought seriously bout a marriage & family of my own.. secondly, i AM still going 19 and i aint started working.. and most importantly.. whenever i start to think of the future, i start to doubt myself.. alot.. like what would i be like in da future.. will i even live to find out.. will i turn out to be those typical office ladies.. or will i not be able to even get a job.. will i ever learn to be a housewife..? i dont even know how to cook.. and i aint proud to say so.. furthermore, i aint really eager to have children.. cant say that i'll make a very good wife.. so wad good am i..? Lastly, there's still darlinz's NS to consider.. i definitely dont wan it to ruin our relationship.. but i cant tell what might happen as well.. something has been recurring these few years.. and i dont want it to happen again.. the thing i do fear much is change itself.. i dont know who or what might change.. but im sure not many ppl like changes either..

So hmmmz.. guess there are many factors in life that actually shortens ppl's vision after they think clearly bout it.. then again.. there's always hope for any kinda future.. as long as u put the correct effort into it.. im sure my perspective will change some day.. and i'd really like to have a happy future together with darlinz..